Bismillah Hir Rahman Ir Raheem
Peace and blessings be upon you all
Here’s another dose of brutal honesty to entertain you all. These past few days, I’ve been evaluating myself; how my life is, whether I’m happy with the way it is or not and whether I am maintaining good friendships or not. I’d like to share with you this part of my life. Do let me know whether I’m mental or this situation is relatable.
I’ve noticed that I’m quite a wanderer. By this I mean I don’t stick to a certain group or type of people; I’m friends with and mingle with different kinds of people, and I do this ALOT!! Usually people are more comfortable and share more intimate conversations with their own squad interact superficially with others, but I tend to interact in a region between superficial and intimate with almost everyone and share intimate conversations with almost no one.
The reason for me interacting with multiple people in this way is that I now have very few best friends and by very few I mean 2 (4 sort of now). I only share personal information and secrets with these special people because these are people I actually trust, who are not judgmental and whose opinion is helpful. Apart from them, I don’t trust anyone.
Unfortunately, I can say that with conviction because I’ve had a long history of people I considered best friends who did something that ended our friendship, who let something happen and didn’t do anything to stop it and who simply quietly disconnected from me. Every time I believed we would be BFFs but life is not generous. In addition, I told a best friend and two close family members a very vulnerable secret since I trusted them with all my heart. I expected some comfort and sympathy but instead they took a different meaning of it, made their assumptions and laughed at me over it. If I can’t trust those close to me, who could I trust?
Hence, my trust in people has nearly vanished. I have no expectations from anyone at all (so if someone even remotely does something unexpectedly good, I’m like Wow!). The thing about me is that opening up to people and telling them my secrets makes my heart beat like its running a marathon and hyperventilate like oxygen will run out any second. This is because once I expose my vulnerabilities, I’m in danger of having those used against me and causing me pain. As long as I keep them locked inside my mind from everyone and only share them with Allah, I’m safe. I find comfort in knowing that alot of me is hidden and protected from others.
Alhamdulillah, I have those two best friends I hold dear. However, one lives in a different city and I’m not sure whether they consider me their best friend as well because we talk after a very long time. I don’t feel like disturbing them often with my daily life so I leave them be but often ask how they are doing.
So most of the time, I’m alone. Half of the day, I interact with my friends and the rest of the day, I stay at home, spending time with my family or alone. Do you know about all those social media posts related to best friends always telling each other everything, how late night phone calls are the best? I can’t relate to those posts because I’m either asleep then or just doing my own thing. Call me an introverted extrovert or vice versa, whichever makes sense.
I interact with almost everyone because staying in one group suffocates me often. They’ll be talking about perhaps a particular type of thing very often which gets annoying and satisfies only a fraction of my soul. When I go to my other friends, they satisfy the other fractions of myself. By not sticking to a particular ‘best friend’, my soul is whole and I feel content having learnt so much from others and taught them so much. However, they are also part of their respective groups & I tend to forget that they have personal conversations with each other as well and wish to hang out with their group members for which I have to pick out the hints and back off. On the other hand, I can’t tell when they’re wholeheartedly inviting me somewhere or are forced to do so by my constant presence.
Talking to others is hard. It’s becoming very confusing and stressful for me as I grow older and days pass. You have to remember so much about what other people say. I sometimes feel that my memory is getting weaker by the day because the stuff my friends say yesterday, I forget them today. Some friends have given others so many nicknames that I always forget who they’re referring to and stare blankly at them trying to understand the conversation. I don’t even remember the birthdays of my close friends and relatives. This often makes me feel like a bad friend or a bad person, as if they don’t matter to me but they do!
This is especially hard as I have many friends in the same locality and because I am posted to a different city every few years do I have to leave one life behind for the next. I think that has made me what I am and now I’m getting very disturbed about this. How can I choose and maintain a so-called best friend if I can’t stay committed to the land I’m living on? They say that distance doesn’t effect friendships but I believe it does. Who you spend your every day with matters alot as it decides the type of daily routine you have, who you talk to and who takes part in the important moments of your life. You can’t tell your long distance friends everything about how your day went because everyone has their own days to live through and not everyone is available so a distance is always there, weakening the bond. There are many friends that I wish I’d stay with and make my family but I have to move and leave. I’m praying for stability now because I can’t keep on choosing again and again. What if I’ve found the perfect people or one to be with but I can’t be with them?
I’ll sum up this post by telling you who I am: I’m a lone wanderer. I have friends in a group and even more friends outside the group (in different cities) yet I don’t share my deep feelings, dreams, passions and secrets to any of them except two of them and that too when I feel like it. I enjoy spending time with others and I enjoy being alone.
Do you want to be my friend? Do let me know if I’m crazy & this issue is my fault, or that there are people out there going through the same experiences I’ve went through.